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Yesterday, 08:03 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 9 | I'm New - How to communicate in a relationship with a 60-day recovering alcoholic? I'm not sure if I am doing this correctly, my apologies ahead of time if I am not in the right place. I'm looking for guidance on how to communicate with my boyfriend who is two weeks out of in-patient rehab. We aren't kids - we are in our 40's but we have been through Hell during the past three months. I found him with 24 hours left to live, it took me two police officers to get him to the ER, he spent 15 days in ICU, 3 days in the Cardiac Unit and then was transferred to a 28-Day in-patient rehab. He volunteered to stay an extra week and is now back at home for the past two weeks but still attending Out-patient treatment. He is Sober and Alanon has helped me tremendously to understand the disease - I know it is his choice to drink or not - unfortunately, if he takes even one drink his pancreas will shut-down and he will die in the matter of hours. Knowing that makes me very worried but I am not nagging him about drinking. Our problems stem from a lack of communication related to our relationship. The therapist told me to be honest and truthful. He has told me to open up but when I do it is disastrous. - He shows me his out-patient worksheets and tells me that I have all of the issues on them. It's possible that I could benefit from what he is learning but he talks to me in an agitated, patronizing and unkind way that makes me paralyzed and very unsure what to do or say. I request we wait to discuss that with his one-on-one therapist. - He says he loves to do and say shocking things to make me red but when - He told me that the drinking started with a couple of drinks to take the edge off of uncomfortable social situations - I can relate to that feeling. -When I get into uncomfortable situations, I will decline the activity or politely excuse myself but he cannot let it go. He will shout across a crowded pool - "Jesus - you look fine - get in already" and when I can't do what he is expecting he makes an ordeal about leaving and then ignores me for hours. Or privately while we are being flirty or romantic touch my face and say - "Huh, I see you are breaking out." It feels like he wants me to open up learning where I'm vulnerable so he can intentionally zing me when my guard is down. He doesn't have a filter in social settings - he just does or says whatever he wants and then when I (or others) are hurt or angry at his behavior he is uncaring that he caused any harm to them just talks about how flawed they are. I would like to be in a healthy relationship where I can trust my significant other but it seems as though he can be either adoring and sweet or ignoring and ugly. I realize in the macrocosm he has to deal with staying sober without the luxury of a relapse and the gender, relationship issues are secondary but it still hurts. If we don't address it now, when will it get worked out? He can never have a drink again without the threat of death - I can't be expected to endure a relationship of bad treatment for the next 50 years. Does 20 years of alcohol abuse cause men to be intentionally mean to loved ones even when they are sober or will it just take time for him to balance himself out? Any helpful techniques or guidance is greatly appreciated. Thanks much. |
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Yesterday, 08:26 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 634 | I have been where your at: WHEN I was married.... I educated myself about alcoholism, addiction and mental abuse My X went to a 28 day rehab, AA classes following - FAIL began to sneak his drinking again. I had to decide, if I want to live with it or if I could live like that anymore He's SUPPOSE to be 9 months sober now - His "thinking", his "way out there comments" QUESTION #1 2 Different Questions .......... Alcoholics, are good at making you feel like the crazy, unworthy, lunatic Dont buy it! Your dating.....PLEASE!!! Dont think marriage, or having his child or buying a house Keep on posting, reading and find yourself an Alanon class locally. You can find Dang, I wish you luck with that one......I wasted 17 years of my life, thinking it |
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Yesterday, 08:50 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Portland OR Posts: 17 | Hug to you - you clearly care about him and are in pain. In my experience, and very unfortunately, love is not enough. You can't save him no matter how much you care about him and love him. NO ONE can save him, except himself. Alcoholics are master manipulators, it is part of the pathology. That example you gave (shouting at you at a pool, with other people around) is what I always thought of as gas-lighting. (crazy-making and mentally abusive behavior). You don't have to accept that behavior. It is not normal, it is not healthy, and it is certainly not kind. It is the behavior of a very sick alcoholic. In my experience (married for 15 years to an A, I moved out 3 weeks ago), an alcoholic in recovery is VASTLY different than an alcoholic who is simply not drinking. An alcoholic in true recovery would not behave in that manner. Bobby J's questions are a perfect example. The A in question 1 is a dry-drunk, or white knuckler. The A in question 2 is in recovery or is actively seeking it. Like them, in order to become healthy, we have to seek out and work hard for our own recovery. That I too had a problem was a difficult concept for me to grasp. It took a couple of years of therapy,Al-anon meetings, and multiple family counseling sessions(provided at the multitude of rehabs my AH went through) for me to really understand that my behaviors were unhealthy for me, AND unhealthy for my AH! It is best and healthiest for those of us who are involved with addicts/alcoholics, to step out of the way of the freight train of addiction. Focus on yourself as best you can. It's good you are here. |
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Yesterday, 09:01 PM
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| peaceful seabird ?Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 4,270 | Quote:
You are in the right place, so pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. It is a common belief that alcoholics are emotionally stunted adults. The quit maturing emotionally when they began actively drinking. That means, you are dealing with a 40 something with the emotional maturity of a teenage boy! Will he balance himself out? Hard to say. A saying in the rooms about abrasive personalities is: You know what you get when you get a horse thief sober? You get a horse thief. "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus | |
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Yesterday, 10:37 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 9 | Thanks very much Bobby J for your post. I was feeling like I was doing something wrong all the time - always readjusting myself. He never seems to understand my perspective when I try and "open up" to him - he just uses it as ammunition. When it's good - it's great I am in local alanon meetings but learning what works or doesn't for others is helpful too. |
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Yesterday, 11:08 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 9 | Thanks Amoosebitmysister - Tomorrow afternoon we have another session with his counselor and I am trying to get my thoughts together for it. I want to be succinct and not everwhelming. He keeps telling me I have control issues because I do not want photos of myself posted on Facebook. I work in the legal/law enforcement field and posting any photo is a security concern. When he was drinking he posted photos of me in a bikini on his boat without my knowledge. I only found out because a mutual friend mentioned it and I asked him to show me the photo. I felt completely betrayed. I told him he didn't have my permission to publish or distribute my image and asked him to take it down. He told me I did not have the right to tell him what to do and to get my stuff out of his house. I did and for a week we didn't speak. I received a series of strange text messages from him how he wanted to blow his head off and I was concerned - so I checked on him and that's when I found him and got him back to the ER. I say all of this because while he was in rehab we met with his counselor and I told her I was very mistrustful of him because of that incident. He apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Last week he posted a photo of himself but with me in the background! I wanted to throw-up because I then saw he NEVER deleted the other photos. I thought it was resolved. Now he is calling me controlling and that I just need to lighten up and get over my need to control him. I am very cautious with what I say and how I say it. I don't nag or argue. I gather my thoughts and calmly do my best. It never seems to work though. I am not trying to control him, I just don't want my photo on the internet. Is this a contol issue of mine or his? How do I express myself properly tomorrow? |
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Today, 04:18 AM
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| Earthworm ?Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 595 | Okay, so hopefully when you are feeling strong enough and have hit your bottom you will RUN from this guy. What you are describing is way over the top mental abuse which is going to stay whether he is sober or not. Work on YOU and get empowered to get away. The stuff he is doing is not anything that can ever be worked out, it's too over the top. You are worth more than being someones punching bag. |
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Today, 04:53 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 12 | I'm the mom of a RAS. The drinking made him moody and more short tempered but never mean and narcissistic like you are describing. I'll agree that it is crazy making dealing with an alcoholic- they make you question reality frequently and wonder if *you* are the one wrong or going crazy. IMO, your basic personality traits are embedded and I doubt your BF is going to change that much by being sober. The example you give about facebook shows he is incapable of thinking about you and your feelings. (I'm also one that doesn't want my pic on facebook, so I relate.) He is way out of line here. It is NOT you. I know easier said than done- but get strong and realize you deserve way better than this. |
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Today, 04:59 AM
| ? #11 (permalink) |
| I'm no angel! ?Join Date: May 2005 Location: tampa, fl Posts: 5,568 | He sounds like a bully to me...a person who wants to control anothers every thought and life process. Me, I'd tell him to take a hike and move forward with my life, if it requires that much work to have a decent relationship, there will be no happy future. As for his drinking, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is working a strong recovery program and sober, or not, that's it. Being sober won't change who he is, an azzhat is an azzhat. IMO life is too short to have to go through all these girations. Good Luck! |
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Today, 05:32 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 9 | Thank you Earthworm, DollyDo and WorriedMama! I had that gut feeling that something was off but when I talk to his counselor she tells me that recovery takes time and he is dealing with a lot of guilt and embarrassment for putting me and everyone through this ordeal. She also said I would benefit from counseling and that I needed to go to a CODA Alanon meeting but when he comes home from group therapy he tells me EVERYONE in the group including the therapist thinks I could have handled situations better and that I need to get counseling immediately. That makes me uncomfortable that these semi-strangers know my personal information but yet they never get my perspective. It makes it very awkward for me to go to the recovery center for appointments now knowing this. I am working on myself. I started Alanon the first week he was in rehab, went to one-on-one but it's cost prohibitive to continue right now so I am researching related topics and trying to break my own cycle. "In Recovery" makes me feel like he is fragile and I should temper my emotions when around him. He says things like "This is becoming a trigger for me. I need to make an appointment to talk to you about this in two days." Two days! How therapeutic is living in silence for two days under the same roof? So I stop engaging. Alanon teaches Detachment, I used it the other day when he was brisk toward me in the grocery store - I just walked back to my car, drove back to the house and did what I wanted to do. I didn't respond to his text, when he got home and asked why I left? I simply said "I used an Alanon technique called Detachment." It worked in that moment. I am not seeing how that is beneficial to communicating in a relationship though. It seems like it will detach me out the door and out of the relationship not teach us how to be in a healthy relationship. It sounds like from you all that is our fate - eventually it will just dissipate. How sad that after all we went through - it will end anyway. I am so grateful in finding SR -Thank you all for your guidance!! |
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Today, 05:33 AM
| ? #13 (permalink) | |
| Member ?Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 83 | Quote:
No. My RAH was an active alcoholic for 35 years. We've been together for 20 and he has said exactly one unkind thing to me (it was about my weight) in all of those years. When I cried, he cried because he felt so bad and he has never been mean since. He's kind hearted in general. Your man is not. He's mean and he's going to stay that way. I'm not one to shout, "run!" from the hilltops because I think many relationships can be saved and end up good in the long term, but yours is not one of them. Look at what he's doing to your self esteem. You are worth more than the emotional abuse you are being subjected to. He isn't your responsibility. Please leave. | |
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Today, 06:35 AM
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| peaceful seabird ?Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 4,270 | Quote:
He is likely deflecting, blame-shifting, manipulating and trying to keep you down with his words. Unfortunately, those are common traits of alcoholics. My money is on the fact that his group told him that HE could have handled situations better and HE needs to get counseling right away!! What a bully!! You deserve to be treated with respect as an equal partner in this, or any, relationship. Please keep reaching out for support for YOU. YOU are worth the effort. __________________"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus | |
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Today, 06:46 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 634 | I've heard almost 99.8% of the same word's that you have heard and the picture and nasty mean post, on facebook. Yep, been there too!!! Imagine if you were me, sitting here reading your post. What would DO THE MATH - Your a smart woman #1 Underlying Mental Issues + #2 Alcoholism = 3 CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY 3 CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY - #2 Alcoholism = #1 Underlying Mental Issues That's how it work's. AND he has some HUGE underlying mental issues if you Can you cure them? Nope A normal relationship with him??.......Go back and read your post Keep on posting on this site, especially, if your not keeping a journal. Alcoholics try to blame you for their problems!!! Instead of going back doing Defect's, Underlying mental issues are NOT the same as a personality!! How long have you been dating him? Do you live together? If you find time today - Read up on ABUSE!!! I would love to tell you, to be like the gingerbread man and RUN like hello Now, I live in peace. No more mental games or mental abuse. No more names. Me and my dog's have a happy, peaceful life |
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Today, 07:00 AM
| ? #17 (permalink) | |
| Earthworm ?Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 595 | Sounds like the counsellor also needs CODA Alanon meetings too. Doesn't sound like she's very impartial. if you aren't comfortable you aren't comfortable period. Sound slike you are getting the crappy end of the stick from everyone not just the A. Quote:
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Today, 07:57 AM
| ? #18 (permalink) |
| Member ?Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: ny/nj Posts: 119 | Congratulations to you for using some Alanon principles to deal. Great beginning! When you are in the thick of the CRAZY, and ALL of us here have been, it is incredibly hard to see clearly. As my therapist said to me, just yesterday "If a good friend was telling you your story, what advice would you give?" Think about it. If your sister was living your life, what would you tell her in love and concern? I agree with many of the posters above: MEAN IS MEAN. My A is of the same stripe, drunk or sober. He takes pride in being a "mean motherf*(er". He is 62 years old. Or, emotionally, maybe 15. It is so hard to realize that you may have walked a LONG way down the wrong road. But the bright side is, you can always turn around. If you stay, I hope things even out for you. If you go, his behavior will most likely get (much) worse before it peters out. Just my E,S,H. Good luck! |
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Today, 08:28 AM
| ? #20 (permalink) |
| Community Greeter ?Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Anchorage, Alaska Posts: 3,045 | Welcome, SilentScout. Many good things posted here already, so I am going to just say hello, keep coming back, and check this thread out. Its from the newcomers to recovery forum here, and the 7th post down is a great copied article on getting sober. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ons-sober.html (Dealing with emotions sober...) Your boyfriend has a long way to go, and he sounds mad as a wet hornet right now, with you as the bulls-eye. It's going to take a lot of patience and compassion from you right now if you want to stay in this relationship. It seems this man is finally having to experience emotions and I imagine it is a most uncomfortable place to be. Hang in there,
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